Heidi Beth

What do the old ladies do at 3 in the afternoon when they can not see to sew or read or drive, when they can not stand to watch another minute of tv, when they remember a young friend, call her name and decide not to call her, not to be a burden.
What do we do for the old ladies who tell us years of life, who love our children like family because our children love them first, who feed us bean soup, crackers and cut up a banana for little boys.
Do we feel life in their photos, catch the adventure in their recreating lost years, or do we nod politely and miss the gift. Sometimes we should cry, because the richness holds our heart.
When we leave their living room in early evening for our books, errands, quiet family time at home, do we hug the old ladies, tell them, “I love you.”

I am far away from here.
I fly in an emptiness full of space and big sky blue. I see not birds, hear not crickets hum at dark.
I am on a journey. I pass by no years to this space, home, a place I may be all the time in a part of my being.
It is quiet, small. It is vast, everything lovely.
I am nothing but I am.
If there is a music it is a single sound, lovely dripping throughout time, reaching me.
Colors, bright and pale dance their joy beside my face.
This is where I live.
I fly and I fly. I am higher than the wind, lighter than the breeze, careful and soft.
I am me.

Grandpa, “Matthew, how do you eat an elephant?”
Matthew, “How?”
Grandpa, “One bite at a time.”
Matthew, “You got me with that one grandpa.” This he said with a surprised, amused and respectful smile.

Funny, I can’t think of a thing to say, but let’s see how long this entry gets okay? My mind is happy to flip around the internet aimlessly, looking in to a bit of this, a bit of that. On to facebook for a few, see if there’s any new status updates and what kind of search that leads me on. I’m happily doing nothing in honor of pms and our upcoming family project of putting in laminate flooring. Sweet Honey in the Rock Pandora station plays, but it’s not quite what I want to listen to tonight. Nothing is, but they’re uplifting and beautiful, so I keep the volume turned up. I hear a city bus drive past the street that runs perpendicular to ours. Black Bird comes on. Is that like Sweet Honey? Kind of. I like Pandora that way. I think of making a grocery list, then the thought flits away like a butterfly. I think of looking up grocery lists on the internet. I’ve used them before for suggestions. David who is more out of the loop than I am is impressed and surprised at these helpful grocery lists.
Excuse me, I need to thumbs up this Emmylou Harris song.
My body is like those big Raggedy Ann dolls that don’t look comfortable in the living room chair, but Grandma has had her there so long no one notices. So I lean my head back onto the top of this low chair I am slumped on, I can see the dark sky, hear the chorus of night fliers. I close my eyes and my breathing gets deeper, better.
Along with new floors, we’re doing a house/garage purge, and everything we keep will(God willing) have a place by the end of David’s 3 week vacation being taken for this purpose. I picture that once we’ve completed this project, my mind will be freer, will zoom around the space of possibility and solution like a kind but spirited horse, me on it’s back, my hair flowing behind me in the way it would in a commercial for a great chocolate or a luxurious bubble bath(you know, when the woman is envisioning herself on that perfect spring afternoon in the open field, riding in to the sunset).
I get that while the actual actions are simple and merely material, we are at a turning point. We have other plans for David’s 3 weeks off. Family time, each giving each of our children individual hang out and play time, revising systems, creating new ones, a date night for mom and dad, a garage sale.
I don’t think that all of a sudden life will be problem free, carefree and like a walk in the park. I think it will be closer to our vision for our family, closer to the goals we have set for ourselves, that we will be a bit more available to each other, that friendships within our family will be strengthened, that our children will thrive a bit more because of the effort(ours and theirs). Then I think in a few years we’ll move on to the next step/adventure/fine tuning type thing, whatever it needs to be.
For now though, I am a lump on a white cushy chair in front of the living room window that opens up to one of the last nights of summer. For now I am slow and empty, breathing in and out with few deep thoughts and a desire to visit with an old friend from far away. In particular, any friend I love and haven’t seen in too long. The boys and I each ate 2 cobs of sweet corn from the farmers market. Devyn and I sort of learned a new computer game together. David and I prayed and talked a long time about life in a deep and gentle way. I made my bed. The boys played a game that found all of their bedding in the hallway, which was cleaned up at my request a little while ago by a sweetly compliant Devyn. Matthew skinned his elbow and took a bath, he was the furst to use one of the great big band aids we bought last week.
It’s Saturday, a slow Midwestern kind.

ALL I WANT TO DO RIGHT NOW IS COMPLAIN…so I will now share every good thing that comes to my mind of our lives today.
I enjoyed time with Devyn this morning before Matthew woke up. We prayed and read the rest of a story we started yesterday.
We went to Curtis Orchard this afternoon with my dad and our friend Michael. We fed the goats, ate lunch outside and picked apples. The goats have soft tongues and lick up the morsels from our palms. Matthew was nervous at first, then delighted at how funny it is to have a goat eat from his hand.
I made maple syrup sweetened chocolate cup cakes this morning. I’ve eaten 3 🙂
A neighbor helped me learn how to roll up our new pop up and it seemed simple enough that I can see doing it myself easily. I enjoy having a camper in the driveway even though we have to clean and mend it for use.
Matthew and I enjoyed 3 hours alone tonight. We played computer games, ate dinner in the living room, sat quietly side by side at our own tasks and talked about life. He drew people, I spaced out on word games. Matthew made a mayo and mustard sandwich and shared it with me. It was one of the best sandwiches I’ve ever tasted and I told him so. He was happy to hear it.
Played a little game of frisbee with Matthew and his neighbor friend after a brief chat with other neighbors. That’s 3 neighborly interactions in one evening.
Started planning our first camper outing. Now we have a goal for getting it ready. Even found what seems to be a suitable camp site with electric and water for $20 a night.
I just looked at the drums and thought about playing them. This is better than just seeing that they don’t have a logical place in the living room right now.
Took an action step yesterday for the business we are starting soon.
Dinner was yummy. Cauliflower and broccoli, goat feta, and turkey left over style.
I got a new high score in word drop on facebook(definitely addicted to word games).
I drank a half a cup of decaf(other half used for cake) this morning and it reminded me of happy memories. Late summer, early fall scents were in the kitchen too. Between the two, I was transported for a moment. Then I was grateful for my life as it is.
Ericka helped clean the house and put away clothes this morning. There were several loads piled on a living room chair.
I took another step towards airing our our house which had become way too dusty. I pulled 3 fans from the garage and set them up around in good places.
I smelled cook outs in the afternoon and felt happy. I went to a lot of lovely cook outs as a kid, especially with CPC gymnastics camp.
Devyn has been reading reading reading! Tonight before bed he was engrossed in a book and did not want the lights off.
Someone complimented my kids today. Said they were cool kids and “dare I say, obedient.” He knew I was feeling a bit overwhelmed.
The sun shined all day. The temperature was perfect and there was a pleasant breeze.
Aaaah, much better.

Movin’ right along. One day follows the next and each morning I wake up, a new adventure unfolds. Sometimes it’s as simple as a house cleaning expedition, to see if I can get all my hoped for chores done with cooperation and pleasant times with the boys. Some days days we leave the house at 10am, go to a friends house, the store, Grandma’s house and return in time to get ready for bed. Some days we are quiet. We pray, read, I assign school work, we drink our shakes, eat breakfast, Devyn and Matthew each enjoy 30 minutes of computer time(usually tending a pet or navigating around pbskids.com), play a while, we eat lunch, then off to the park. Growing up I really didn’t know life could have such a pleasant rhythm.
A week ago, we decided to buy a little simple camper to make traveling easier, cheaper and more relaxed. So for a few days we have been in search mode. First we drove out to a small town a bit south through pretty country on a mild sunny day. We thought that yes, we had found the one! Hardwood floors, 1,000lbs, clean, cute, amazingly bright and funny curtains :). But alas, there were mold stains on the mattress. Still, it seemed likely we’d be able to clean it up. But at the buyers check we found that the water leak was not a simple fix, and the storage space below the bed was ickier than first realized. Still, the drive was sweet.
A day or two later, we found another one to go look at. Since it was farther away, we asked Grandpa Bob to accompany us. Happily, he agreed! Right off I knew that no matter weather this was the one for us or not, I was delighted to be taking a ride with my dad. My childhood is filled with loving, joyful conversation while looking at the corn fields as we whiz by. I was right. We went in to Iriquois county, where my dad grew up. Back roads and little towns, bad directions, potato chips, chocolate and one child choosing to draw on his face rather than the paper and a lot of quiet miles visiting. Fortunately we got lost, which meant we crossed an old wooden bridge that went clank clunk as we crossed like a big snail. My dad said that this bridge made the whole trip worth it. Eventually we pulled in to a driveway that had a camper in it though the numbers weren’t visible…hoping. They knew the man selling a trailer, but he was on the other side of Milford?! Back over the rickety loved bridge, back to town, through town, right at the junk yard down a quiet road a ways, over a hill, around a curve, and there it was. The camper had a leak, was moldy too and a farm cat was a bit too friendly, but what a beautiful afternoon! The weather was perfect. Cool and sunny.
The search continued. One that seemed pretty good was sold before I could check it out. I just figured it wasn’t meant to be ours. Now I was beginning to get a tiny bit discouraged in the feeling part of me, the place where logic doesn’t always reach, where old stuff sits with the present and makes it look worse. I was tired too. David listened patiently while I got all the goop out of my thoughts. And we prayed for our family and for our business plans, because that’s what we do Thursday and Friday and we’d missed Thursday’s prayers. Sleep helped.
This morning I called about another little egg shell, old camper. Clean? Yes. Leaks? No. Etc. Ok, we’ll call after 1pm to see if the people coming at 12pm want it. If not, we’ll come out. Ok, thank you, bye. Farmers Market was kind as usual. Good bread, fresh berries, ugly tomatoes, Michael the one man band, seeing lots of friends and family, sun shine, watching the wood worker, watching dogs. At home after 1pm, found out that the other folks did like the camper and were driving away with it just then.
Back to craigslist one…more…time. Hmm, look at that. A pop up for $100. Looks to be in decent condition. A couple of emails and a calls later and the owner was delivering it to us since we probably didn’t have the right hook up for lights. It sits in our drive way now, set up. It is musty, but seems clean. I learned how to pop it up. I learned some of the “character” it has. We figure that for $100, as long as the bottom is solid, we can’t lose. And if it’s a total wash, well, it’s not a big loss. But I think it will be fine. Yes I’d like a brand new 13ft Scamp. Yes I’d like everything just right and so convenient. But…
2 road trips, time out with my dad, car conversations with the boys, beautiful scenery, never feeling rushed and enjoying the process, extra time with Grandma today as she waited to see if we were driving to Springfield, and a bedroom on wheels that may have potential…good, very good.

We spent the day at David’s sisters house. I spent much of the afternoon and evening sitting with Bee, our brother in law Dan’s nanny growing up who they have been caring for the last 4 years. She is dying. Yesterday she seemed to go in to new stage of letting go. I so wanted her to open her eyes and smile. Matthew especially wanted her to sit up and ask him how he is. The the two of them could have a conversation that is sweet to witness. He is so sad. “I don’t ever want Bee’s body to die” he says and his eyes are filling with tears.
Another friend we are close to has been in the hospital for a week or more. He went in to ICU on Friday for aspirating bile while trying to recover from surgery. He and Devyn talk a lot and Devyn likes him. Devyn and Matthew both had to consider loss on a new level this month. Our friend taking her own life August 2nd. Our old border and good friend going in to the hospital for a few days just after moving back to Urbana. Bee in her last days, quietly laying in her bed at their cousins house. Carlton in the hospital and appearing to grow worse(he is better now and back in a regular room, surrounded by family).
Billy, my brother in law says maybe the gift is how much more these people can help and serve from the next world. I know it’s true and my heart and soul are peaceful. Still I cry. I want to visit with Jessica again, see her radiant smile, be touched by her gentleness and dancing eyes. I want to know for sure that Carlton will recover and come back to the Baha’i Center and be our rock there. I want Bee to laugh again when I tell her about our lives. I want her to ask funny questions and tell more stories from her youth. I want her to be impressed at how big each boy is even though she sees them regularly.
I held her hand today. I told her about the court case, our garden(I checked it before we left so I could give an accurate report…she loves gardens), the children’s theatre company we are starting as a branch of the one in NY, and a funny story about kids and chocolate cake.
Her CNA and I spent most of the day talking, a beautiful, powerful conversation about love and God, about life and children. I hope she calls me even if she is not called back to work Thursday. Our family got to know Dan’s family, his sister Khin Khin, her husband Kevin and their little boy Christopher(18 months of wonderful).
I didn’t want to leave. We were there from 1:30-8:30pm. When it was almost time to get in the van, Devyn and Matthew each went in to Bee’s room alone with me and said “Hi” and “See you later Bee”. They were unsure how to talk to someone who can only hear(eyes closed) and is too tired to talk. But they love Bee so they tried, in their soft timid voices. Then I gave Bee a hug, said,”I love you Bee” and looked at her one more time. The smallest smile seemed to form on her lips.

Some days I could listen to Simon and Garfunkel all day. I sing along and remember the clouds at dawn outside the train window as it moved north from St. Louis to Chicago. It’s rocking rhythm soothing that 20 year old’s anxieties. Walkman in my ears, I owned my space of serenity.
I saw faces in the sky, like the Prophet. I saw horses and unicorns, ships and soldiers. I saw them all slide away in wisps, now unnameable forms. I sat with a notebook in my lap, pen gliding confidently across the paper and out came my heart. She is my little girl, waiting always for the safe place to emerge and sit with me, inform me, hold my hand as a child does and I smile.
She likes clean kitchens, clean laundry folded and hung, clean table tops, fresh floors. She likes a spring breeze and the sound of autumn leaves skidding along the pavement, tumbling over each other like kittens. She likes the sound of finger picking on an acoustic guitar folk style. She likes cup cakes made of chocolate, loving hugs, dancing in the streets, laughter, beautiful poetry, sitting on the steps at the Baha’i House of Worship at 11pm on a summer night, sitting in it’s auditorium after the lights are turned down, before the doors are locked. She likes writing til 1am with Allison. She likes walking slowly, listening inside and out, especially when birds sing.
She likes me to remember and honor her.

A friend who lived in The Holy Land for 5 years has wonderful inspiring stories from his time there. Here is one of them.
Haifa is known as being different from the rest of the Middle East in general and Israel in particular due to the level of inter-religious cooperation. Documentaries have been filmed in Hafia about this phenomenon and broadcast on national television. In one, the documentary narrator asks why can’t the Jews, Muslims and Christians in Jerusalem and Tel Aviv cooperate and live together in peace like the Jews, Muslims, Christians, and Baha’is in Hafia. The history of inter-religious cooperation began with Abdu’l-Baha’s then radical actions of distributing food to the hungry, medicine to the sick, and money to the poor regardless of what religious or ethnic background the needy belonged to. The Rabbis, Mullas, and Priests in Haifa would often follow the Master to ask questions about their Holy Books because He knew their Holy Books better than they did and He would always answer their questions with quotations from their own Holy Books. The Rabbis, Mullas, and Priests in Haifa noticed Abdu’l-Baha’s distributions to the needy regardless of ethnic group or religion was practicing the best their own religions taught. This insight combined with the Master’s efforts to eventually create a level of religious cooperation in Haifa that is unknown elsewhere in the Middle East. One documentary on the religious cooperation in Hafia was entitled “Abbas Street,” which is the name of the street that was named after the Master’s given name, Abbas Effendi. One night I drove some friends to a potluck dinner on Abbas Street, and after dinner we saw that cars had double-parked behind my car, beside my car, and in front of my car, making it impossible for me to drive my car anywhere. I saw three little girls playing together in the street, and had purchased books and tapes on speaking Hebrew and Arabic for just such an occasion. These three little girls may have been Jewish, Muslim, and Christian, because Abbas Street is known for the mixing of ethnic groups and religions. When I tried to ask the little girls for help, they immediately recognized my horrible American accent, and replied in English, “How can we help you mister?” I showed them how my car was blocked in, and then the girls ran off to find the owners. Although Haifa is the third largest city in Israel with more than 300,000 residents, the inter-religious cooperation has enabled the city to retain the qualities of a small town, such that the little girls knew who owned each car and where each car’s owner lived. The girls must have told the owners about my horrible American accent because the cars’ owners appeared and apologized in English. The cars around my car parted, and I felt like Moses parting the Red Sea as I drove through the parted cars which closed the space behind me. If a similar incident had occurred in Jerusalem or Tel Aviv, angers could have flared, a fight could have started, weapons could have been used, and a life could have been tragically taken. However, in Haifa all that occurred was an incident that I could later recount as a funny story. The people in Haifa do not need government programs or any outsiders to tell them that inter-religious cooperation is good, for many have experienced the benefits of living lives free from prejudice thanks to Abdu’l-Baha. The question that many people often ask is whether peace is possible in the Middle East. The question that they should be asking is what can be done to help the peace that already exists in Haifa spread to the rest of the Middle East.

A morning hug from Matthew that he requested with great enthusiasm, rice pasta and turkey tomato sauce on the stove, hot tea, an hour at the park, big spinach, tuna and almond salad for lunch, another big zucchini from our garden, writing in the moments just before dawn and going to bed in the first light of bird song, reading “Thunder and Lightning”, by Natalie Goldberg, cool evening air, praying with David, friends reaching out to me, bananas, sunshine, Matthew leaning out of the car before getting in because the air smells nice then running to give Grandpa a hug, Devyn telling me that he likes me and being determined that we need a picture of this second zucchini too, Devyn easily making friends and making up games with them at the park then running and smiling, the realistic prospect of being in theater again soon and combining it with spiritual education of children….
At the park as dusk settled in to night, little tiny rain drops fell on us one at a time, so we weren’t sure if it was really raining. When Matthew announced “Morning hug” and threw open his arms, his smile was just as open and loving. When I ate lunch, I felt peaceful and nourished. I read Thunder and Lightning as I ate and easily went to the times of writing practice over 11 years ago. When Devyn reached out to me, I reached back and we talked about life, then he did my hair in a very creative way :).
It’s 5:23am again. I see the light outside. I hear little sleep sighs down the hall. I must get back to sleep. Though there’s something so sweet about waking at 3am with energy, writing to a friend, then listening to the bird song increase with each passing moment.