I don’t know where this will go

All avoidance, some balance. I’m thinking things like…If I had a light lap top, I would spend time in odd places writing on this blog. I seem little pleased with the corner I sit in presently. Though happily listening to one of the “radio stations” created by pandora.com. It’s after 5pm, the computer reports 6:16pm. The afternoon was long and sleepy. Today, Bahiyyih helped Devyn plant his first garden. It feels so human and regular, like I am a worthy mom now. We tried to plant in Mississippi, but it was too late in the year and too cold. Also, Devyn , in his speedy and amazing way, rushed out to water his flowers too much and in my inability to stop him and do all else that was then required of me, they did not grow more than an inch above soil. I believe we are all more mature now and a good and beautiful garden will soon spring up in the square of ready soil we offered seeds to today.Water every third day. After it rains, start over. Bahiyyih down the street now can be called on for councel. The sun now, so peaceful a presence pours into our front windows. I passed by it on the way to the computer and felt that just because of it, here, now, everything will be all right. Oh Lord, settling is quietly hard, the no running away part. How I have perfected it God, but pray still to learn to live with out the fear of angry men. How many of us, I wonder are conciously and unconciously afraid of angry men. The ones in our lives and the ones through history, and the ones now, who seem unable to think clearly and yet, are in charge of masses.
I realized one day that I have failed to feel sad for anybody suffering far away. That I have failed mostly to think of them at all, let alone pray for them, hope for them, think of their children. I think of them now, sometimes. At times recently, I have prayed for them, even cried for them. But mostly I have been stuck in my own life. I pray this continues to change. That hurricaine, so close to our home, but not close enough to touch us, that was the kick over into sanity as far as this goes. How I ached for those people Sunday night. All night. I ached like I did the night I looked into eternity, saw it was real and beat my fists into the carpet, a deep down scream in my soul, way down, where I couldn’t stop it, or quiet it, or be distracted from it by any thought. The next morning I saw Baha’u’llah. The next morning was sunshine and light everywhere, inside and out. Monday when I woke up, knowing a storm had raged, I was not rewarded with spiritual light like before. Only the pain of the night had been similar. Instead I ached. Here are the tears now, again. Once it happened in America for all of us to see, the pain accross oceans began to seep into my belly. For any reason, for any ignorance, for any injustice. Images flood my mind now, of the soft light as it came in through our office window, and a stream of….out of reach memories of how the realization grows, of the simplicity of it all, the childishness that carries on between religions, nations, coworkers, husbands and wives. How the answer is love, but how that manifests is huge…and simple. How it requires people to change. I’ve been changing so slowly, though the effort has been great. So vague. I can’t reach it now enough to keep writing.
Another day.

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2 Responses to I don’t know where this will go

  1. Steffi says:

    Wow!! Thank you!

  2. Bahiyyih says:

    Go Heidi! Bring it on. It’s great to hear your voice! You’re doing a really great job with such sincerity.

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