Embarrassing, Funny

I woke from nightmares before dawn. I couldn’t get back to sleep. I’ve spent the day being slow, meditating, writing first thoughts, trying to shake and work through some of the bad dream triggers. Not a usual activity to begin at 6am (thankfully) and not especially fun. I offer this open call that I might soon read a few comical lists of funny or embarrassing moments in the lives of others.
In real life, I’m not so darn serious as one might think based on most of my writing. True, I don’t understand small talk or know how to engage in a dialogue about cloudy skies, but I laugh often, sing off key for no reason (other than I can’t sing on key) and love, love, love to make other people laugh through the course of most conversations. I let my children’s stuffed animals (mine too) have conversations in bad British accents at bed time. These furry objects with plastic eyeballs and lopsided lips delight in giving my kids a taste of the absurd in the obvious as they learn courtesy, how to take turns, make fun with each other with out making fun of each other and proper bathroom procedure (yes son, soap every time!). – I delight in my children’s belly giggles and attempts to mimic my already lousy accent and tell jokes that end up with an animal in their lap now mute because they’ve cracked themselves up too hard to go on. In audible life, deep in a silly and hopefully considerate way is my main speed, unless of course silliness would be clearly disrespectful.
So how do I learn to write so the reader is caught off guard and spits her latte onto the screen?
Since I don’t have an answer, I’m opting for a list. Embarrassing or funny moments in my life.
1) In high school, walking along the street with several friends, all of us cool of course, I must have been watching the grass grow because at the precise moment I chose to look up, my face smacked a parking meter.
2) My second day at a new waiting job I took hold of a vat of cocktail sauce sitting in the service window (at eye level), pulling it into the front of the house. Unfortunately I only had a hold of the wide rimmed lid. Seconds later my freshly ironed white button down, long sleeve shirt, neck and black slacks were drenched. No sauce salvaged.
3)You know the large oval trays servers carry with one arm, resting it on their shoulder, the other arm carrying a tray stand they deftly flip open inches from your table and proceed to serve you lasagna? Once in 11 years my tray and I only made it as far as the ice cream cooler, where every plate, in slow, sickening motion, slipped off and crashed to the grimy tiles below. Fortunately I was in the kitchen and not on dining room display.
4) My older son was, I thought, potty trained enough to last the two hours of play group. When he brought me the new brown clay from the indoor sandbox, I noticed his pants were full. That was a lot of poop. He figured it was another toy that happened to be attached to this thing that wasn’t his usual diaper. He was 3. – If you ever meet him, don’t bring it up please!
5)At our wedding in the woods, once the wedding party was situated and the guests were lined up (standing for a very short ceremony), while my dad sang a beautiful prayer, I noticed we’d only brought along two chairs but we had three old women (not to mention two women, both five months pregnant, but I didn’t think about them standing uncomfortably until long after the ceremony). My soon to be step grandmother in law was held up by two kind relatives. Just before we led the group in a quiet line out of the greenery, I suggested to my now husband that we ask her to walk with us. We did, and apologized. She accepted, saying in lively tones through a huge grin, “Well now, getting to walk up front arm in arm with the bride and groom makes having to stand worth it.”