Insomnia!!! or While Sifting Through Old Writing I Found…

A piece I wrote over 20 years ago at 4am. This may have been my first attempt at humor. At the time I was still living with my parents. After they went to bed I’d go to my moms room and take out her fancy 1986 Smith Corona. It was the most advanced machine in the house. I’d set it up on our dining room table where I’d have a fresh cup of coffee, clean ash tray and pack of Marlboros waiting. I desparately wanted to write something real (not sure what I thought real would look like). Most of my attempts back then were dark, deep and sad. One example was a story titled, “Therapy.” That I’d never been in therapy (though it may have been a good idea!) didn’t keep me from diving into the world of one man unraveling his painful past.
How “Insomnia!!!” got written back then, I have no idea. Anyway, just for fun and non deepness, here it is.
“You are now prey to frighteningly early droning hours of insulting creativity, “Perfect Family” sit-coms, and deranged thoughts while analyzing past events.
You have entered…Insomniac Death Grip…!!!
Strange urges drive you to clean the bathroom and make a collage from shelf scraps to reflect a sudden feeling. There is nothing like a slow 10 minute cigarette to pass a short time of nothing. No one is up at this time to consult on the dark hours of morning in thankless terms.
One full hour may have passed since you last looked at the clock, though I wouldn’t stake a cent on the chances. Even the cats can rest their heads. The refrigerator is bare or so it seems. You’ve seen the same choices day after day. At this point White Castle and a friend is the only temporary remedy for your boredom. Still, there is no one to call.
There are 419 tiles on the shower walls, 18 cracks in the ceiling. You must wait 3 minutes for the toilet to flush a second time (4 minutes for a third time). Your teeth are slightly crooked. Epidermis is the word from that dumb elementary school joke! The trash can has a dent in the side you’ve never noticed because your mother turned it around so it wouldn’t show, and 5 channels have gone off the air.
The sick realization you finally make is that you truly are enjoying yourself, while learning new and unimportant facts about your house and your life.”
The end
Remember, I was 17…