14 of 30 Wandering thoughts with a note to my boys

I have half an hour to write.
I’ve got most of an 80% cocao content extra dark in my backpack. I’m sipping strong decaf loaded with cream. Old show music sings behind me. Hello sun! You’re why I came to this crowded cafe at a busy intersection. Autumn days insist I sit outside.
Autumn asks me to smile, feel her gentle spirit, spend an extra moment silent.
This 30 minute break is all I have to focus. When I get home, there’s pizza to make and I have a date with my ideal man. Grandmas and grandpas are precious. They like to watch boys watching Pokemon. They like to feed them yogurt and dates and grapes. Grandpa has some of this Pokemon world figured out.
Cleaning trumps creativity for the rest of the evening (though I may sneak in a batch of chocolate mint cookies).
There’s it is! Here’s what I want to write today…
Oh little boys. I only need a break from you so that I can see you as you are. Beautiful. Without a break, you begin to walk sideways because I’m tilted. You begin to whine more because I forget to listen for what you’re really saying…and because I whine more. I don’t whine like you. I correct more. You begin to cling anxiously because I withdraw right in front of you. That must hurt. My dad used to do that. Then he used to go to IHOP in the middle of the night and write endless pages in a top ring half spiral. Doubtless he has a box of old notebooks too. I take a break so I can remember and retain the wonderful times with my parents, their gifts, and pass these on to you.
For my dad, it’s his story telling. I hope one day he can tell you too. About his crazy family, his favorite aunt, his early determination to find that “something wonderful” in the world, how he and grandma met, their first two years together before they accidentally conformed to a normal that broke their spirits and how they found their hearts again.
For my mom it’s her questions. She saw me as a complete human being from the beginning and treated me…well, we all may have benefitted if she had put me in my place as not the head of the household sometimes (the place I carved for myself as it’s my natural personality). Grandma spent time, included me in her every day life and was a part of mine. Out of necessity, but she enjoyed my company.
This must be why I tell you stories, ask questions more often than giving answers and spend most of everyday with you by choice.
Break’s over. Time to get a few groceries and head home.

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