We spent the day at David's sisters house. I spent much of the afternoon and evening sitting with Bee, our brother in law Dan's nanny growing up who they have been caring for the last 4 years. She is dying. Yesterday she seemed to go in to new stage of letting go. I so wanted her to open her eyes and smile. Matthew especially wanted her to sit up and ask him how he is. The the two of them could have a conversation that is sweet to witness. He is so sad. "I don't ever want Bee's body to die" he says and his eyes are filling with tears.
Another friend we are close to has been in the hospital for a week or more. He went in to ICU on Friday for aspirating bile while trying to recover from surgery. He and Devyn talk a lot and Devyn likes him. Devyn and Matthew both had to consider loss on a new level this month. Our friend taking her own life August 2nd. Our old border and good friend going in to the hospital for a few days just after moving back to Urbana. Bee in her last days, quietly laying in her bed at their cousins house. Carlton in the hospital and appearing to grow worse(he is better now and back in a regular room, surrounded by family).
Billy, my brother in law says maybe the gift is how much more these people can help and serve from the next world. I know it's true and my heart and soul are peaceful. Still I cry. I want to visit with Jessica again, see her radiant smile, be touched by her gentleness and dancing eyes. I want to know for sure that Carlton will recover and come back to the Baha'i Center and be our rock there. I want Bee to laugh again when I tell her about our lives. I want her to ask funny questions and tell more stories from her youth. I want her to be impressed at how big each boy is even though she sees them regularly.
I held her hand today. I told her about the court case, our garden(I checked it before we left so I could give an accurate report...she loves gardens), the children's theatre company we are starting as a branch of the one in NY, and a funny story about kids and chocolate cake.
Her CNA and I spent most of the day talking, a beautiful, powerful conversation about love and God, about life and children. I hope she calls me even if she is not called back to work Thursday. Our family got to know Dan's family, his sister Khin Khin, her husband Kevin and their little boy Christopher(18 months of wonderful).
I didn't want to leave. We were there from 1:30-8:30pm. When it was almost time to get in the van, Devyn and Matthew each went in to Bee's room alone with me and said "Hi" and "See you later Bee". They were unsure how to talk to someone who can only hear(eyes closed) and is too tired to talk. But they love Bee so they tried, in their soft timid voices. Then I gave Bee a hug, said,"I love you Bee" and looked at her one more time. The smallest smile seemed to form on her lips.
Some days I could listen to Simon and Garfunkel all day. I sing along and remember the clouds at dawn outside the train window as it moved north from St. Louis to Chicago. It's rocking rhythm soothing that 20 year old's anxieties. Walkman in my ears, I owned my space of serenity.
I saw faces in the sky, like the Prophet. I saw horses and unicorns, ships and soldiers. I saw them all slide away in wisps, now unnameable forms. I sat with a notebook in my lap, pen gliding confidently across the paper and out came my heart. She is my little girl, waiting always for the safe place to emerge and sit with me, inform me, hold my hand as a child does and I smile.
She likes clean kitchens, clean laundry folded and hung, clean table tops, fresh floors. She likes a spring breeze and the sound of autumn leaves skidding along the pavement, tumbling over each other like kittens. She likes the sound of finger picking on an acoustic guitar folk style. She likes cup cakes made of chocolate, loving hugs, dancing in the streets, laughter, beautiful poetry, sitting on the steps at the Baha'i House of Worship at 11pm on a summer night, sitting in it's auditorium after the lights are turned down, before the doors are locked. She likes writing til 1am with Allison. She likes walking slowly, listening inside and out, especially when birds sing.
She likes me to remember and honor her.