Heidi Beth

The language of drums

This afternoon we took our drums to a neighborhood Baha'i children's class held in an apartment complex in Arlington Texas. I had no idea before hand what we'd be asked to do, and I was happily surprised. I was given the whole hour(after they sang a prayer in Spanish...their little voices so sweet)) to share my love and knowledge of drumming with a lawn full of beautiful smiling children who had been anticipating this class for days. They ranged in age from 2 to 14(at least) and a few young mothers. Many of the people present did not speak much English, so I had the opportunity to hear what I said after I said it and it helped me stay focused. Focused on helping everyone have a joyful experience making music together(and I loved hearing another language floating all around me). 3 girls in particular, all around 12 or 13, seemed to fall in love with the sound of the drum, with the sound they could make together. Many of the smaller children drummed along on their stools through everyone's turn. All the children were respectful and involved, happy to wait their turn. Devyn and Matthew were polite, helpful and allowed me to tend to other children with out complaint, simply being a part of the whole. Matthew did two cute magic tricks for all of us. Devyn helped pass the drums around as we went, and at one point held a big drum off the ground so Matthew could play and make a good sound. It was joyful! This retelling only skims the surface. Clearly the prayers from my mom, David, Louise and all the people that regularly pray for this group were surrounding us and lifting us all higher, to a place our spirits already know exists.

vegan chocolate cake

Many people have asked for this recipe and I have now offered it to another blogger so here it is.

Preheat oven to 350
1 1/4 cup sucanut(from the bulk bin)
3/4 cup unsweetened cocoa( this last batch I used Ghirardelli brand and I like it best so far)
1 3/4 cup flour(I've used whole wheat flour, but now am gluten free and find Bob's Red Mill all purpose baking flour to be good and cake like-not like a rock)
3 tbs flax meal
1 1/2 tsp baking powder
1 1/2 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
mix all this in one bowl

then in a food processor blend 4 medium bananas and 1 cup of fresh cooked or unsalted canned kidney beans
add 3 cups of this to the dry mix(approx)
1 cup soy, rice, or almond milk(unsweetened)
1/2 cup coconut oil or 1/2 a shredded zucchini or whatever oil
2 tsp vanilla extract
Mix this all in well

then add 1/2 cup boiling water, mix

I have found that cup cakes are best, stay moist, though pouring into a cake pan works fine

Frosting
mix 2/3 cup cocoa w/ 1/2 cup melted good earth vegan margarine, the add 1/3 cup vegan milk and 1 cup sucanut. keep adding sucanut by the 1/3 cup until desired consistency. I have never made the frosting like typical frosting consistency. Probably using powdered sucanut or powdered sugar(which we don't eat) will have the desired effect.

For anyone who tries this, I hope it turns out yummy.

June

Two rules. Set a timer and write something somewhere. That's for each time I get on the internet. Otherwise my good intentions pile up and eventually get lost...waiting for a better moment...when I feel more together, less likely to wrote the "wrong" thing. I cannot be this careful and expect my friendships to grow. I am not made of glass, though I'd like to believe this sometimes rather than make the effort. With this permission to communicate, or rather expectation, I am free.

9 Weeks

End of July we'll be moving back to Illinois...again. I didn't want to leave Illinois a year ago(though now I'm sad to be leaving our dearly loved friends and family in Texas, really sad) when we moved to Texas and I'm happy to be returning. So are two boys I read bed time stories to most nights. Matthew asks about once a week if we are on the way back to Illinois. Always as we are getting in the car. Devyn is appreciating the time he has here with friends. The other day he realized with sadness that since he is getting older and changing, so are his cousins...so when they get together they won't play the same. I'm not so sure. I believe they'll still run around a lot, make loud noises, have exciting conversations about the current pretend adventure, eat lots of fruit, laugh easily and generally enjoy being together outside of the necessary growing pains of annoying each other and learning how to work through it. I believe they love each other, that they'll go along as people do when they love, making memories, growing and learning from each other. I'm looking forward to this.

Ice Skating

Yesterday, we went ice skating with Grandma shortly after she arrived from Illinois. Matthew went around once and thought he might like to get off the ice when the door came around again, but once he was just off the ice, he turned around with a quiet determination and away we went again, Matthew with one hand on the ledge, the other in mine, slipping his way along. Then a 15 minute break for zamboni resurfacing. When we returned with food for us all, Matthew was ready to go again! This time he had an idea of how to "walk" skate, but still mostly slipped and I held him up. Then he took another break, and in David's arms, watched mommy skate fast(upon his request), 2 times...but that was all, because now he was ready to go around again! Just as we are about to pass where David stood watching us, Matthew glides along for a long stretch and I say,"Go Matthew, you're doing it! You're skating!" Shortly after, he starts slipping around again and says, very matter of fact and with a touch of Matthew humor,"Actually I'm really not!" All the same, he went around another couple times, and when he was ready to be off the ice, he asked me to skate "real fast" again with a look of pride in his eyes that his mom could really zoom out there. It was a sweet way to connect with Matthew.

Devyn skated around and around by Grandma. He determined not to hold the wall and he went steadily along, picking up speed over time. But with a couple consistent challenges. He didn't know how to stop, other than running into the wall, and falling here and there...which he did several times, reportedly discussing his increasing number of ouchies as he went, yet getting up and going on with determination. When Grandma asked him if he liked skating he said that he likes skating but, " I don't like falling on my shoulder. I don't like falling on my elbow. I don't like falling on my..." probably naming each area of impact in this way. This morning on the way to Children's Classes he was groaning about his pains, "I feel like(pause for thought), I feel like a banana that's all bruised up." But he said it with a bit of a smile and some proud in his voice. I enjoyed watching him enjoy skating so much, and with such determination. We plan to make ice skating a regular family outing.

To do clarified

Attend Natalie Goldberg's writing workshop "The True Secret of Writing", in Taos NM, alone, for the whole 5 days.

Spend a week in Los Alamos NM, visiting with Karla, with our whole 2 families...but definitely lots of one on one time with Karla.
(Ooooh! Editing this, I see how one and two can work together as a 2 week family trip which also can include catching up with friends in Santa Fe!)

Fill up a sketch book with pages of beautiful colorful fantastic designs that I draw while sitting on the couch as Devyn and Matthew play peacefully, listen to books on tape, or watch DVD's, while Devyn or Matthew draw next to or across from from me, while David is out with the boys and I listen to music in a clean house, while I sit on the beach out by myself...

Own a small simple reliable RV and spend one year traveling the United States, getting to know the different landscapes, making new friends as we go. I want to do this with all 4 of us together.

Spend one month(our whole family), in or near Memphis, spending lots of wonderful time with our much loved friends there and in Northern Mississippi.

Spend some time EVERY DAY playing/working with Matthew with blocks, pen and paper, dancing, discussing life from his view, or any number of sweet simple activities we could enjoy together. I simply need to recognize the daily opportunities and set aside what I'm doing and be with him for a while. Somehow the sibling dynamic has intimidated me so far and kept me from realizing missed opportunities. But now I see and so must make an effort in the face of a challenge that has a solution...education, training and love.

Spend an hour or so each week writing down stories that Devyn dictates and help him organize a small book.

Arrange our schedule to wake at 6am, wake the boys by 7am, boys asleep by 8:30pm, asleep myself by9:30 or 10pm occasionally napping in the afternoon, all the time keeping up with prayer, daily journaling, house work, enjoying each other's company, keeping up with our home school, Baha'i activities and spending time with friends.

Correspond with all of my out of town friends through letters, along with more modern ways of keeping in touch, on a regular basis.

Laugh and play more, walk some every weather permitting day.

These things are often on my mind, all can be done. It will simply take an effort.

To do

3 priorities, or the three things I need to do now even if everything else that I think should happen(by way of my doing it or being involved in it) doesn't, until balance is gained.

Take care of myself.

Take care of my children.

Love and enjoy my family.

God needs strong servants who love and laugh from down deep inside.

Gentle Entry

I wrote myself a note this morning to write a gentle blog entry today. I have a vague idea of what that could be. This week my parenting work has been to say less to correct and a lot more to describe when I see an effort, good behavior, even a trace of virtue. Since Devyn and Matthew are generally "good kids", this is really a matter of me breaking a habit of over correcting from a time when I was lost as far as parenting a distressed and active child. That child has grown a lot. Now when I tell people with way active aggressive little ones that I understand, along with what worked for us, they are often in disbelief. There's SO MUCH good to notice, to honor outloud. I'll let this be a gentle reminder to myself....love lovingly, through encouragement, in a way I would like to be trained and educated.

From Texas

Hello out there!

A quick update.

The boys are thriving here. Devyn is happier and more content than I've seen him in years. Matthew is Matthew, going along pretty calm, loving how much more he gets to be with Dad. More than ever in his 4 years. In Illinois, Devyn was surrounded by girls. Friends and cousins were all girls! As hoped there are many boys his age here. We've been spending time with 3 families in particular which account for 5 boys between the ages of 6-10. In fact, there are so many boys around, Devyn was starting to feel lopsided. Then, last week, a new friend and her 6 year old, highly articulate, highly silly daughter came over for dinner. All three kids romped, giggled and explored our toys in that beautiful way I have come to miss. At first I figured it was a boy girl difference. But as I really think about it, I realize that one thing we've been missing here is having our friends come play at our house, with no other agenda(like a birthday party). Mostly we go to other peoples houses. The parties have been fun, but there's nothing like a laid back play date shared by 2 or more families just for the purpose of enjoying eachothers company. Note to self...Invite other families over more often, with a goal of one date a week at our house(where there is not tv, video games or combat toys and the kids need to create)!

In other news, hmmm....our tomato plant has 17(?18) little tomatoes all green and growing. We'll be bringing it in each night since the nights are getting colder sooner than expected, while the days are warmer than usual. Odd.

Unexpectedly and with much gratitude, we were welcomed and treated as family by one homeschool family, the Baha'i's in Arlington and Grand Prairie, and by our family Aunt Louise and cousin Dorothy...to the point that from the moment we moved here, we have not had that difficult period of long days and loneliness as we get to know people. I even managed to double schedule twice in our first month here. And the people we are getting to know are so open and real. I've never experienced anything like it even though we've been the newcomers many times. Usually there are one or two people that help us get involved and gradually we meet a few families from various aspects of our lives and build intimate friendships over a period of months. This other experience goes like this. Several families from various aspects of our life welcome us into the fabric of thier lives and the friendships are mutually deeply appreciated and all concerned are initiating plans to be together. Every week or two seems to bring a new friendship as well! I am learning a new layer of love.

A Different Kind of Transition

Our house went on the market yesterday(mid Feb, 07). The first showing was today. We're moving to Texas. I haven't been posting because I don't share well when I'm in the thick of a challenge. I read other people sharing their trials, looking for input, willing and able to reach out. So far, this has not been my way. I figure it's just different personalities, but I sense there may be more to it. Like not wanting to burden other people, feeling embarrassed, not trusting that I can handle it if someone I care about is insensitive accidently or on purpose. Or only wanting to write if I feel I can write well. I have those notebooks full of ramblings, mostly interrupted or incomplete thoughts, and simple boring sentences. But I am happy to go through that to get to the meat, or fire of a memory or idea where the writing is good. Where I can reread it after a few weeks and realize it's right, that I said what I meant. Somehow, this is different. Obviously it's the audience aspect. I've produced and participated in several open mic's. I enjoy sharing. Maybe if I look at a blog that way I'll post more! Also, life has been more than full with just the everyday of raising two boys who need to be with their father more. I keep a 1/4 size notebook in my purse for the opportunities I get to go out alone and can use that time staring out the window of some cafe. Writing in this has been how I have kept an agreement with myself to write regularly, somehow, even if it's all I do. So far this year, that little notebook and posting are the only writing I've done. But it's been consistent if not regular, more than the 3 years preceding.

Starting this post, I intended to share insights I've had recently about the new stage our family will be entering. How it fits with our original vision of service when we decided to get married. How reaching for that vision is requiring courage, more than I realized. At the time we prayerfully decided moving was the answer to consecrating ourselves to our children's education and upbringing, and certainly necessary for David and I to continue building our marriage, I was barely aware that we were indeed entering a new phase of our lives. I'm finding words(as usual) to barely nudge what I'd like to say. Like navigating through fog. Ugh.

Life is a preparation for our soul's continued journey after our bodies die. So maybe I had to get comfortable in order to value the sacrifice of living our vision. Otherwise, It'd have been too easy. A year ago I would have been just as happy to...(6 months later I continue the thought)...pick up and go, likely unprepared for the challenges and too early for the gifts.

Now we are 6 weeks in Texas. I had hoped to be ready to post more shortly after we moved, but we decided not to have internet access at our home. I wanted to share the journey we've been on more clearly. Doubtful this will happen tonight, but something must be said, if only because I have this space to share and it calls me. Technically we're in Illinois just now, visiting. A slow quiet visit, like the kind we figured would be the way once we simplified our lives. Amble on up the road, you know. Stay a spell and amble on back down some time later. So this is how it's going...well.

Tagged...cool, I've had fun reading the various lists

Hmmm...

1-I've held over 50 jobs. I haven't sat and written out a list to know for sure, but only 5 W-2(end of year right?) forms was a slow year.

2-I'm really shy but have recently, in the last 9 years, forced myself to visit even when I felt nervous and quiet. Because I really love to make friends, and keep them.

3-I've walked up and down 23 flights of stairs to avoid an elevator, and many others, not so high.

4-I know about as much geography as my children, maybe less than Devyn.

5-I dropped out of highschool and college but haven't given up on going back to college to become an English teacher.

6-I co-hosted a successful weekly original writer's open-mic in Evanston Il and gained a lot of confidence as a writer,performer and encourager of other artists.

7-Before I realized that I'm truly allergic to white sugar, I used to eat 3 or more candy bars a day, plus whatever else that had lots of sugar...juice drinks, syrup on pancakes, gum...

I haven't kept track of whose been tagged, but Bahiyyih tagging those without blogs was cool. I tag Amy Eades, Bob and Karen Quinlan, Aubrey and Shirley Tewes and Tamon and Nora Green. Now I'll need to inform these folks that I have a blog(however neglected) and that they've been tagged and what the heck that means. If you all don't have a blog, write in the comments.

more thoughts

Since the last entry, I've thought of a few more bits I think are important to include.
Bug and pest free. Open floor plan with nice air flow on lovely days when the windows are open. Lots of natural light. Space close to our house or unit where the boys can safely ride their bikes and scooters. good clean sidewalks in our neighborhood that go to at least one place all 4 of us enjoy(in walking distance), like a nice park, cafe, reasonably healthy restaurant, a friends house we visit often, library, Barnes and Noble, Borders, ice rink, indoor pool with kiddie area.

writing it down

The idea has been coming to me gradually over the last few days, to write down what I want in our first place in Texas. I've done this in the past with success, but started to feel that I was relying on such writing down of plans more than relying on God. Or rather, I was hoping too strongly that my way would would happen and felt uncomfortable at the thought that God's Will may be something else. This has been my spiritual work lately. To actually want God's Will even if it is not my will. Like moving to Texas. Who really knows if this is God's Will or not, but for now I believe it is since we prayed for 3 weeks, with no realistic solutions in sight and one morning, here comes an idea that still fares well after 2 more days of investigation, more prayer, and consultation.
In Chicago, using this method of writing down what I want in order to manifest it, I found a lovely 1 bedroom on the brown line at the edge of lakeview that had all but one thing I wrote down. It was not in walking distance from work. This turned out to be a blessing(of course) because I found a wonderful center to tutor at a few blocks from home, a writing group that was an off shoot of the adult learning center(to get there I had to walk through a neighborhood full of human sufferiing like I had never witnessed outside of tv. Indeed, I grew from this.), and I was in walking distance to a regular size grocery store. And a block west of clark, so the bus was always available for a spontaneous ride south to be close to the lake.
For our move to Colorado I wrote to manifest again. This time we got all but one or two things. Including being next door to the school we moved there for, a nice yard, 3 bedrooms, in our price range, a window in the kitchen(that actually looked out to the garage that was added on later...oh well), hardwood floors, etc. When we bought Bill and Bahiyyih's house, we kept many of the benefits of our house in Colorado. Across from a park with a path, a small lake, 2 play grounds, hardwood floors.
So I think I'm (hopefully) detached enough to simply write down my hopes for our first place in Texas as a way of setting down what I've learned is important to our family in the hopes of manifesting it. More as a responsible use of this method rather than a way of manipulating so I can be comfortable. Our purpose in moving is to be together as a family and for David and I to be consistent in our involvement with our family, the Baha'i community and all of our friends and at the same time, be true to our visions for the future.
All that said, here it is.
For our first home in Texas, we live in a 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom house or apartment. Our neighborhood is clean, safe and quiet with many young children that are good for Devyn and Matthew to play with and befriend. Our home is clean, on the ground floor, and well maintained. We are within 15 minutes of the company David works for.
The boys bedroom is big enough for two twin beds, their dresser, book case, 2 night stands and a fair amount of room to play and walk in, a walk in closet, and at least one good window with a perfectly intact and properly in place screen. Our room is big enough for a queen size bed, our 2 dressers, a small office space equal to what we now have, a walk in closet, and at least one good window also with a perfectly in tact, properly in place screen. There is a full size washer and dryer hook up in it's own closet with a shelf for detergent. The kitchen has ample cabinet and shelf space for what we now use. There is a separate dining area and a large living room with windows that face west/north, also with intact screens that fit properly. In the living room there is a logical and beautiful space where we create a prayer corner. There is a 50 gallon hot water tank, a clean bath tub, a shower and good water pressure.
We are in a good location as far as being economical goes. There are clean safe parks nearby with good shade for hot days. We are fairly close to a Baha'i Center with excellent children's classes that Devyn and Matthew love to attend and a good grocery store that carries a lot of quality organic produce and other organic items. We are close to other families we enjoy spending time with. Our friends feel that coming to our house for devotional gatherings, study circles, potlucks, parties, lunch and dinner gatherings is a simple matter distance wise. Our home is a regular gathering place for these and other joyful and meaningful gatherings. Our neighborhood is a good healthy place to spend time outdoors in relation to who we meet and visit with a lot, low traffic and lots of grass good to run and play in.
That's what I can think of right now.

For now, we are just keeping our house clean, enjoying having a pretty yard for the first time, waiting for an offer on our house we can accept. And continuing to enjoy being with our friends and family here.

What's happenin'

David helps with dishes, laundry, diaper changes, fixing broken things, making beds, picking up, shopping, and more that I can't think of right now. He is financially responsible, provides for us well, is wonderful with the boys, builds forts, creates nail and screw boards for little ones to practice their building skills, makes toys to meet their interests, is always thinking about Devyn and Matthew individually and coming up with ideas to help them grow up beautiful, and he reads to them even as he is drifting off to sleep. His laugh is contagious. He loves to make people laugh. We pray together, consult on most everything, enjoy talking to eachother, which usually involves much laughter, and our visions for a life well lived in service go hand in hand. We enjoy being married to eachother! This is good after 7 years. I feel like we've barely begun. When we move to Texas we'll be entering a new phase of our life together as a family and as a couple. We welcome prayers and loving encouragement from our friends! Especially prayers for Devyn's happiness and well being in our new home.

"Set your faces towards unity, and let the radiance of it's light shine upon you."
-Baha'u'llah

For Suzanne

I Like to be in writing space when I sit down to share here, which is why there has been nothing new recently. I've been cleaning up loose ends in my life, like old debt from over 10 years ago. Debt that's mostly been written off or owed to businesses that have closed. The few left alive are still, in reality, owed, no matter wether they are on my credit report or not. I have not forgotten all these years. I've only been busy figuring out how to be a grown up, how to make enough money, how to use it in a spiritually whole way, and to be honest, I have often completely forgotten about this long ago money owed and seen other things as more important whenever extra money has come to us, earned, gift or income tax return. Recently though, being completely out of debt has become a dominant desire. Not just my old stuff from days of early adulthood when I had just about no concept of responsible finances. Everything. House and car included. As we go along on this path of solvency, I seem to be moving in new levels of awareness...rapidly being aware that for me, to live a life of service the way I envision is possible, requires solvency and prosperity. Also, I believe our children will benefit from our increased availability that I believe must be the outcome of this process. Some debt, I am told, is okay. Doesn't everyone have some? At least most people? I think so...but I want out of that trap. For me it had long ago developed into a spiritual disease(debt), and now that we are on the train to freedom, I intend to get all the way there.

That said, I'll go back to September 1997 when I spent a whole month in my mom's bed asleep or reading, dpressed and confused, not knowing how to live my life. The details of that confusion may make it into another entry but are not for this one. After a month spent hiding, and sleeping, I spent 4 solid days and nights awake, walking around like a mad scientist in my mom's little apartment, trying to figure out what to do. Much of those 4 days I spent in prayer, mostly the Tablet of Ahmad and Long Obligatory Prayer. What I finally determined to do was move to Chicago where I knew the area, knew I could eventually find a decent paying waitressing job, knew I could get around without a car and there were strong Debtors Anonymous meetings I was longing to learn from and be spiritually supported by in my new determination for recovery. So I called my friend Iris, arranged to live in her living room until I could find a job and save for an apartment. In October 97 I left for Chicago...again...but this time I told my mom and dad to please say "No" if I asked them to help me through another transition. This time I knew I needed to make it on my own no matter what. Also, I knew I needed to make peace with my fear of dying if I were to ever live boldly as a servant of Baha'u'llah...really working for world unity...if I wanted to call myself a Baha'i and have it ever be potentially true. I spent 4 months at Iris's before finding an excellent job at an upscale diner in Lincoln Park and a wonderful apartment at Ashland and Montrose. During those 4 months, Iris and I grew very close. She became a gentle, loving mentor, someone I soon wanted to emulate in ways, for her peaceful nature, for the grace she carries in her as a result of long years of recovery. While I was living with her, I decided to write down 100 goals and dreams, things I actually intended to do, have or give during my life time. After those 4 days of Prayer and wakefulness at my mom's, I continued to say the Tablet of Ahmad and Long obligatory Prayer every day. I also started reading, one after another, biographies of early Baha'i's. Because of this, I began to really see the visions and goals I've long held as possible, real, not just hopes that I knew were more likely to come about someday if I wrote them down. So now to the list of 100. It took several days to complete and was the most ambitious, specific list I'd made yet. I'd been writing down dreams and goals since I was 19, often as large as having a gymnastics gymnasium next to my house. Even though I couldn't get adult life figured out and kept tripping over myself, I knew that I had to keep reaching. The difference was, this time, I was making an internal committment and asking God to help. Midway through the list, Iris asked me how exactly one writes down 100 goals. How can there be so many? So I pulled out my notebook and said something like,"Well, for example, here's one I just wrote. 'Go to a seniors residence, pass out white roses and take the residents that can go out, anywhere they want to go.'" Skip now to the next evening or maybe the one following that, when I met a friend for dinner. My understanding was that we were not dating, but he was hopeful, so when I met him at the restaurant, he wanted to stop by his car for a moment to give me something. There on his passenger seat were wrapped flowers. I opened them and with a deep sense of awe, found 5 white roses. After dinner, he drove me home. When I opened them, again I was deeply moved, to find that I had miscounted and there were 9. I accepted that as a message that I was not alone and that I should keep reaching, knowing that as long as I keep on, God was helping in ways I could not comprehend and that the goals and hopes I have for life and the world are achievable.

A second, beautiful and unexpected story.

On November 11th, after the Birth of Baha'u'llah Celebration at the Baha'i Center, Devyn was offered some flowers which he brought home. My Aunt Alma died the morning before(I've already begun a post on that since she and I were very close), and I asked Devyn if we could bring her family some of the flowers. He said we could bring them one but can we please keep the rest. Later, I realized the frowers on the table in the tall vase were white roses so I counted them. 10. One for Aunt Alma's family, 9 for us. It would be exactly like her to give such a signifigant gift so I'll believe it to be so. Thank you Aunt Alma. I love you.